Missives From Troy

Ten Things: Things People Should Stop Saying To Other People

In light of a couple of recent conversations and just because it’s worth mentioning in general, a few things that are hardly ever really situationally appropriate. And if you are questioning whether one of these might be, it’s most definitely not.

“Your observed, stated or potential body image issue is invalid because here’s what I have to deal with.”
In the event of a localized tragedy: “Aren’t you glad you don’t live there?”
Anything, EVER, about a woman’s decision not to or perceived inability to have children. Similarly, ever implying or explicitly stating that a significant age gap between children means one of the children is a “mistake.”
“Something traumatic happened to you? Well, let me tell you about something much worse than happened to someone I know and ignore your issue entirely.”
“You have made a dietary or health decision that makes me uncomfortable. Let me rib and cajole you ceaselessly to give up this lifestyle change for my sake.”
“You have a life that checks off a certain number of boxes to establish it as being ‘good’ relative to that of someone in less comfortable conditions. Why do you have any right to be sad?”
“Why don’t you have the same last name as each other?” Any variant. (Parent-child, Husband-wife, etc.)
Anything, EVER, that implies a victim of sexual abuse, assault, or heinous bodily crimes “deserved” the violation of their person. If “don’t buy such nice things” isn’t an appropriate response to a theft, “don’t look attractive, be friendly, or commute through a specific location” isn’t an appropriate response to assault. No one is EVER “asking for” the disregard of their human rights, loss of their agency & safety, or subjugation of their ability to sexual choice.
Any possible variant on the idea that the less fortunate are inherently morally inferior to others who are better off.
“I’m not/I don’t mean to be racist/sexist/whatever, but…” When you make a judgment call about an entire group of people, you don’t get a pass on being labelled a bigot just because you think you’re good people.

And one for the road:

From a stranger or acquaintance: “SMILE!”

Ten Things: Items That Are Unreasonably Awkward To Throw Away

This really needs no preamble, except that I’ve recently replaced some worn out or otherwise defunct items in my life, which has left me standing awkwardly dithering by my trashcan. There are just some things that don’t feel like they should be chucked out with the kitchen scraps and other refuse, even when they’ve lived a full life and have completely worn out any potential usefulness ever again.

Take the first one, for instance. Look, I’m not super crazy about having lots of shoes. I own about twelve pairs, not including the slippers for around the house, and they’re essentially the “brown nice shoes,” “the black nice shoes,” “the sneakers,” “the kung fu shoes,” etc. in my head. But when it comes time to bin a pair of shoes — holes and torn seams and all — I have a hard time consciencing throwing them in the garbage can. It just seems like there should be a process just for worn out sneakers, something more dignified than the kitchen garbage can… And the same goes for the rest.

Some things do have specialized trash pickups and receptacles computer equipment, cell phones, and recyclables. Additionally, my family gets a lot of mileage out of donating things to our local second hand shop (which benefits a women’s shelter). But these are the weird ones. Am I mad? Probably. Am I wrong that it can get a little weird? I don’t think so.

Shoes. (Worn out, holes in the soles, and worthless to all.)
Toothbrushes.
Glasses. (Special mention for contacts as well.)
Socks.
Broken CDs or DVDs.
Calendars. (I know they’re generally recyclable, but you’ve marked down all your doings for the past year on them too…)
Christmas lights.
Stuffed animals. (So few places take used toys anymore because of allergies, that it’s becoming harder and harder to pass things on to kids who’ll enjoy them for you.)
Bras. (They cost a boatload of cash, and when they’re done, it’s hard to let them fall in the garbage at the thought of the money spent alone.)
Hats. (I use up hats to the point where bills are broken in half, seams are all undone, and no one in their right mind would want them secondhand. But throw them away? Hard to stomach.)

Anybody got another to add to the list?

Ten Things: Extraneous Driving Advice & Observations

I’ve been teaching my sister how to drive over a protracted series of lessons when she is in town. And while we’ve been touching on all the beginning necessities, it occurred to me the other day while discussing some of the following points with a friend of mine that there are inevitably some bits of insight that never get passed down in so many words, that most drivers find out all on their own. Here are just a few that I’ve collected in the past few weeks; do you have any to add?

Trust no turn signal. Not a one. People will signal left and then cross four lanes to turn right. People will forget they have it on. People will put on their hazards just to get away with driving oddly. Trust no blinking light to be anything more than a heads up that somebody’s about to do something.
And don’t trust the lack of a turn signal either. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a light when I’ve wanted to go straight and suddenly oncoming traffic is directly in my path, making an un-signaled left turn. And on the road? People just don’t seem to give a good goddamn or will assume one blink of a turn signal is enough for the other drivers to recognize and adjust accordingly. Over time, you’ll learn to read the “body language” of drivers around you, but in the meantime, watch for turning heads or drifting near the edges of lanes. In the first case, the person is checking their blind spots, in the second they just don’t give a shit if they hit anything.
Try not to change lanes into a lane when a car two lanes over is directly parallel to you. Speed up or slow down, so that you can make sure they see you or you see them. Something about the universal unconscious seems to guarantee that if you try and lane change in right next to someone, they will attempt to change lanes into the exact same spot. Great way to get an adrenaline rush, if you don’t out-and-out crash.
Don’t let yourself get boxed in. When you’re boxed in, or even just closed in on three sides, it makes it a lot harder to do anything but crash if somebody does something stupid and unexpected. (This will mean not tailgating for starters.)
Half of the people in trucks and big SUVs don’t know where their bumpers are. Try and give them a lot of room, they’re going to be a bull in a china shop on the road. They also don’t know how to park. Frankly, that’s more annoying than the driving aspect of this scenario.
People with Marines stickers are assholes behind the wheel. Every. Time. Could be a spouse, could be the kid, could be someone who bought the car second hand, doesn’t matter. They will be an enormous asshole on the road. Always.
Don’t turn on your high beams (brights) in foggy weather. You’ll blind yourself. If you really must try it, do it while in park in your driveway. You’re welcome.
Sometimes in order to pass or to get where you need to go, you’re better off braking than charging forward. Seriously, half the time you step on the gas to try and force your way through, you just end up boxed in and tailgating somebody who isn’t going to speed up for you, no matter how aggressively you hound them. Better to fall back and pass them in the proverbial wake.
Everyone knows — or should know — not to try and beat a train across the tracks or to cut off a semi. Those only result in bad, bad things. But here’s another one: don’t try and beat a bus . Obviously, you don’t want to wreck with something big and sturdy enough that its passengers don’t require seat belts, but there’s another reason for this: The timing. Trying to get around a bus while it’s on-loading and offloading virtually guarantees that they’ll end up in your way when you want to get back into that lane. It’s awkward as fuck, is what I’m saying. And bus drivers? They don’t care how frustrated you are, they will continue barreling along, because they can take you out and you both know it. So, just don’t put yourself there. Either change lanes from behind the bus before they stop, or wait for them to get going again. You can’t beat the bus, son.
Ever heard of the “Nose Pick Game?” No? It’s one my coach from elementary school taught us when transporting our teams to games. It operates on the general principle that at every stop light, there is one person picking their nose. Now, this is before cell phones were a way to keep entertained no matter how much you should know better, but the principle stills applies. Everyone can see you. Those windows? They work both ways. We can see when you’re on the phone, when you’re arguing, when you’re trying to put on mascara behind the wheel, whatever. The thing is, for all that supposed anonymity of driving, the general public can still see each other through our little windows into each other’s world. Act accordingly.

Ten Things: Fat Tuesday

missivesfromtroy:

I hope you were wearing your purple, green, and gold today because it’s Shrove Tuesday and the final day of Carnival!

Also called Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, Pancake Tuesday (UK, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand), Fastnacht Day (German-American community), Malasada Day (Madeira, and then Hawaii), Carnaval (Portugeuse, Spanish, and Italian-speaking countries), Fastelavn (Denmark and Norway), Sprengidagur (“Bursting Day” - Iceland), Pączki Day (Polish), Laskiainen (Finland), and Užgavėnės (Lithuania).

“Catholic and Protestant countries (outside of those mentioned above) traditionally call the day before Ash Wednesday Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras. The name predated the Reformation and referred to the common Christian tradition of eating special rich foods before the fasting season of Lent.” (wikipedia.org)

New Orleans has hosted Mardi Gras festivities since French settlers founded the city in the 1700s. Masks were banned in the city during the early 1800s because the celebrations had gotten so out of control. The oldest of the hosting “krewe s,” the Mistick Krewe of Comus, was founded in 1857 by Anglo men who were worried that the celebrations would be banned on account of their wild and disorganized nature.

The tradition of eating pancakes on Shrove Tuesday is nearly 1000 years old. “Pancakes are associated with the day preceding Lent because they were a way to use up rich foodstuffs such as eggs, milk, and sugar, before the fasting season of the 40 days of Lent.” (wikipedia.org)

Occurring at the divide between the Church seasons of Epiphany and Lent, it is likely that the traditional colors used to represent Mardi Gras (purple, green, and gold) are a reflection of the liturgical colors for the three corresponding seasons of the Church calendar: green for Epiphany, purple for Lent, and gold and white for Easter.

“Carnival is a festival traditionally held in Catholic and, to a lesser extent, Eastern Orthodox societies. Protestant areas usually do not have Carnival celebrations or have modified traditions, such as the Danish Carnival or other Shrove Tuesday events.” (wikipedia.org) Participants often wear costumes and masquerade-dress, taking part in parade and public street events that usually fall in February. It is thought that the name “Carnival” might come from contractions of Latin and Italian phrases such as carne levare (“to remove meat”) or carne vale (“farewell to meat”).

In many European countries, Fat Tuesday is also used to mark festivals for the mid-winter or the coming of spring, such as in Lithuania, where an effigy of winter is burnt.

In the Spanish city of Tolox, Shrove Tuesday is also known as Día de los PolvosThe festivities include massive crowds of people throwing talcum powder at one another, supposedly as a reminder before Ash Wednesday of the Biblical passage, “unto dust you shall return.” Traditionally, a man would pelt the woman he wanted to marry with flour, though the bombardments are usually more indiscriminate in modern practice.

“On Pancake Day, pancake races are held in villages and towns across the United Kingdom. The tradition is said to have originated when a housewife from Olney was so busy making pancakes that she forgot the time until she heard the church bells ringing for the service. She raced out of the house to church while still carrying her frying pan and pancake. The pancake race remains a relatively common festive tradition in the UK, and England in particular, even today. Participants with frying pans race through the streets tossing pancakes into the air, catching them in the pan whilst running.” (wikipedia.org) The first recorded pancake race was in Olney, Buckinghamshire in 1445.

Next year’s Shrove Tuesday will arrive significantly later, on March 4th, 2014.

Ten Things: Self-Medicate

missivesfromtroy:

In the ongoing saga of my nose-throat-ears sickness of the past week — and given that we are firmly into cold & flu season here in the States — I thought this week would be a good one to talk about the types of things one can do at home while under the weather, as the viruses that plague us are usually the type your doctor can’t do much about except prescribe rest and lots of fluids. I hate being sick, and since I’m sure I’m not the only one out there that fights symptoms with extreme prejudice, here are ten things that can help make your convalescence a (shorter and) more tolerable one.

Bundle up when you’re bedding down. When you sleep — and you should take the opportunity to do a lot of that while you’re ill so your body can focus on fighting off the illness — or are simply in a resting state for a long period of time, your core body temperature drops and things get a little sluggish. But you don’t want that to occur, because heat helps your circulation to stay brisk. Often they call this “sweating it out,” because the heat can help you rid your body of toxins, etc., but maintaining a warm core temperature also helps keep your sinuses moving and encourages your adrenal systems to keep from going to sleep, so that they can stay awake and produce more virus-and-allergy-fighting hormones. So get out an extra blanket or throw on a sweatshirt over your jim-jams. DO NOT exercise; you will strain your resources and possibly end up even more sick because you didn’t allow your body time to rest and rebuild defenses. Also, try to add an extra pillow under your head at night, to help promote drainage and better breathing while you sleep.

Simulate the environment of the Amazon Rainforest in your bedroom. In other words, use a humidifier. The moist air from a humidifier helps to keep nasal passages from getting blocked up, as well as relieving the dryness in the throat and nose caused by dehydration, coughing, and nose-blowing. Additionally, the flu virus survives longer in dry air, whereas the moist air from a humidifier “captures” the airborne flu virus and drops it to the ground. Always remember to thoroughly clean your humidifier as instructed so you don’t trade a cold for an infection. If humidifers are not your thing, just take hot showers. The steam will do wonders for sinuses and will soothe those little muscle aches and pains. If you’re dizzy, run the hot shower and sit in a chair in the same room to give yourself a sponge bath.

In the first day or so, load up on Vitamin C and Zinc. Vitamin C is a great supporter of the immune system and of the healthy function of white blood cells, so drink several glasses of juice to load up. Zinc has also been shown to lessen the severity of symptoms and the duration of a cold when taken during the first stages of illness.

Drink up, but don’t caffeinate. Liquids are vital during a cold, especially warm drinks like herbal teas and ciders which not only keep you hydrated but can soothe inflamed sinus membranes and sore throats. DO NOT drink coffee, caffeinated teas, sodas, or anything with ice. Caffeine dehydrates you and will tighten the membranes in your nose and throat, while ice will exacerbate sinus issues and lower your body temperature.

Eat conscientiously. Soups are great for meals because the broth will add to your hydration, and they will also provide protein for helping the body work to fight off the virus. Other foods that help the body during colds are garlic, spicy foods (think cayenne pepper), honey, peppermint, citrus fruits, and vegetables like parsley, celery, and cauliflower. These foods deliver nutrients your body will use to bolster the immune system and fight off your cold. Also, while I hate the taste of licorice, licorice root is invaluable in teas for reducing inflammation, encouraging adrenal gland activity, soothing sore throats, and it even promotes the production of interferon, a chemical that fights viruses. So fellow licorice-haters, pinch your nose and swallow.

Learn to love your neti. In other words, flush your sinuses periodically with a saline nasal-solution, using what is called a neti pot. This process cleans out gunked up noses, helps prevent sinus infections, and relieves some of the dryness and itchiness you may experience in your nasal passages from decongestants. Use pre-boiled or distilled water to prevent discomfort and any potential problems with tap water cleanliness. If you can’t get the neti post or sinus irrigation to work for you, Zicam and several other products sell nasal swabs that serve a similar purpose but are a little less “weird.”

Gargle, gargle, gargle. Once, when a particularly nasty sore throat bacteria was making the rounds in my family and friends, my mother went out and bought a big bottle of old school Listerine. She then had each of us stand there and gargle the stuff for two minutes, three times a day. It was awful and my eyes watered something fierce and I dreaded it, but none of us got sick for longer than a few hours of tickling at the backs of our throats. If you have a sore throat this season, you can either go the Listerine route (which is highly unpleasant, but effective) or the salt water route, which is just as effective and a little less tear-inducing. Dissolve half a teaspoon of salt in a glass of warm water than gargle and spit five or six times in a row. Repeat a few times a day and your sore throat will clear up pretty quickly. Catch it early enough, and you might manage to avoid getting sick at all.

Don’t sniffle, blow. Sniffling is essentially sucking the infected mucus back into your system, which is the exact opposite of helpful. Instead, blow your nose often with clean hands. DO NOT blow hard enough to pop your ears; you can actually push liquids into your ear canal this way, which can result in ear infections later on. Instead, close one nostril with your fingers and lightly blow into a tissue in a smooth, steady stream of air, and then switch off and repeat. Try not to use nasal decongestants unless you are severely hindered from breathing by the swelling of your nasal passages. Mucus production, while gross, is a sign of clearing the virus or irritant from your system. As always, wash your hands after blowing your nose — it keeps you from reinfecting yourself or introducing the virus to others.

Soothe your sinuses. Use hot or cold packs on your sinuses to decrease swelling, promote movement, and promote better breathing. You can use hot and cold packs from a pharmacy, or improvise your own with what you have on hand. Heat a damp washcloth in the microwave for about 50 seconds (test the heat before you slap in on your face), or use a package of frozen veggies from the freezer wrapped in a towel.

Raid your liquor cabinet. While alcohol is dehydrating and thus on our previous list of don’t-s, you’re not going to be drinking much for this old school remedy. Traditionally, you might prepare yourself a hot toddy, but some folks think a straight shot of whiskey or mixing hot cider and bourbon do the same thing just fine. This is probably a remedy more whimsical than wise, but if you need something warm and soothing, a little something-something in your tea will likely go a long way to making life suck a little less in the immediate future of tissues and cough syrup.

Ten Things: Let’s Do This Thing

I thought about a lot of topics to break my Ten Things fast: Olympic hangover material, Shark Week (!), etc. But this is going to be one of those weeks when I’m afraid I’m going to take the time to navel gaze a bit.

Tomorrow will be a week since my birthday and while I don’t like making resolutions at New Year’s, I do sometimes set myself goals from one birthday to the next. And since my next birthday will fall pretty much directly after my return from my trip to the UK next summer, this birthday is meant to kick off a series of resolutions to make my next birthday less regretful and more triumphant in nature. (Not that I didn’t have a great birthday — it was quite surprisingly nice.) So, here we go.

Ten Reasonable Goals To Meet This Year:

Put down the money to take my GED. It’s long overdue and really the only thing stopping me is the cash layout.
Bum advice off my trainer cousin to get in better physical condition and, yes, to lose weight. Reasonable end goal: come down two sizes and have improved upper body strength and cardiovascular health (good for singing!). Would really like to find a way to get back into swimming again…
Write every day, no excuses. If I want to make it my primary profession, I have to treat it like a primary profession.
Make every Sunday morning call between now and England, barring significant ill health or emergency.
Send a short story or other completed writing project a week out to publications and publishers for consideration. If I want to make it my primary profession, I have to start trying to make money at it.
Put together a more “grown up” wardrobe and general appearance. I’ve been putting this one off for years because of funds, current looks, and general worry about how a more “girly” version of me might be received. Fuck that noise. I’m not talking ballgowns, just a more polished daily uniform. Things that fit better and make me look less “grrr” all the time.
Finish paying off my car. This should be very do-able, as I only have like three payments left.
Upgrade/replace my computer. This is a harder one, but necessary. My desktop is five years old come November and desperately needs some hardware upgrades.
Achieve an expanded/new employment position, so that the majority of my bills are covered each month without question. Also, it would be nice to be able to buy a few Christmas and birthday presents this year.
Get my passport/go to England on choir tour. This is the end game for the next twelve months: going to Salisbury Cathedral with my choir and performing, as well as much site & friend-seeing. I have half a mind to apply for some jobs while I’m there as well, but I will be in the UK next summer, if I have to swim there.

A few other things on my mind:

Is there a writing group in the area I could join?
Are there any amateur/short-term acting jobs in the area so I could scratch that itch?
Getting back to kung fu (fully healed arm!), maybe testing to second green depending on my competency.
Finish a script.
Cook more.
Use that new camera you got for your birthday!

Five Things: Build A Rocket, Boys

“ Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” —Mark Twain
Actor Christian Bale and wife visit survivors and memorials in Aurora, Colorado.
“The movie theatre is my home, and the idea that someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating to me.” —Christopher Nolan
Actor Jason Alexander’s well-reasoned thoughts on gun control legislation.
“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” —Havelock Ellis

Ten Things: Pretty, Shiny, Explodey

Today, best of summer days, is the day in which Americans celebrate a bunch of dudes signing what amounted to a very cordial F-You letter to the King of England. Whilst already at war, but whatever. I know most of you will have a burger or hotdog, kick back, and watch the blowing up of colorful pyrotechnics tonight, so this week’s Ten Things are meant to edify your viewing of tonight’s plentiful fireworks displays by listing some of the common displays and shapes of fireworks so we all might be able to discuss them without stumbling around blindly for descriptors other than “big” and “explodey.” Enjoy!

Legal disclaimer: Don’t be a moron. Unless you enjoy traumatic injuries and wildfires. In which case, have someone you trust chain you to the couch with the local access fireworks show on TV. In summary, don’t be a moron.

Other note: I’m pulling names and descriptions whole hog from wikipedia. Click the links to see examples of the type of firework described.

Peony — A spherical break of colored stars that burn without a tail effect. The peony is the most commonly seen shell type.
Chrysanthemum — A spherical break of colored stars, similar to a peony, but with stars that leave a visible trail of sparks.
Dahlia — Essentially the same as a peony shell, but with fewer and larger stars. These stars travel a longer-than-usual distance from the shell break before burning out. For instance, if a 3” peony shell is made with a star size designed for a 6” shell, it is then considered a dahlia. Some dahlia shells are cylindrical rather than spherical to allow for larger stars.
Willow — Similar to a chrysanthemum, but has less of an ongoing flare after ignition of the shell. In addition, the flame trails gradually extinguish, and in doing so, falls creating a willow branch-like effect.
Palm — A shell containing a relatively few large comet stars arranged in such a way as to burst with large arms or tendrils, producing a palm tree-like effect. Proper palm shells feature a thick rising tail that displays as the shell ascends, thereby simulating the tree trunk to further enhance the “palm tree” effect. One might also see a burst of color inside the palm burst (given by a small insert shell) to simulate coconuts.
Ring — A shell with stars specially arranged to create a ring like shape. Variations include smiley faces, hearts, and clovers.
Crossette — Crossette is an effect characterized by a “star” which quickly shoots outward in four directions from the initial comet. When multiple crossette shells are fired simultaneously, the result is a mass of criss-crossing trails, hence the name “crossette”. Each specialized star in a crossette shell contains a small shot hole that effectively divides the star into four sides. The shot hole is packed with an explosive powder. When the charge ignites, the star splits into four segments that propel outward. Once limited to silver or gold effects, colored crossettes such as red, green, or white are now very common.
Spider — A shell containing a fast burning tailed or charcoal star that is burst very hard so that the stars travel in a straight and flat trajectory before slightly falling and burning out. This appears in the sky as a series of radial lines much like the legs of a spider.
Kamuro — Kamuro is a Japanese word meaning “Boys Haircut” which is what this shell looks like when fully exploded in the air. A dense burst of glittering silver or gold stars which leave a heavy glitter trail and are very shiny in the night’s sky.
Horsetail — Named for the shape of its break, this shell features heavy long-burning tailed stars that only travel a short distance from the shell burst before free-falling to the ground. Also known as a waterfall shell. Sometimes there is a glittering through the “waterfall.”

Ten Things (Plus One!): Extra Crispy

It’s officially summertime (Neil Degrasse Tyson said!) and that means that even as the days are now beginning to shorten again, there are plenty of sunlit days in our future. And, as much as we all love our solar system’s white-hot ball of continuously burning gas, too much of its attention is a decidedly bad thing.

In recent years and with the aid of the examples readily available through a cursory internet search, awareness of the perils of UV damage is on the rise. “Tanned” is still the American standard for good looks, but with melanoma taking one American life an hour, we need to re-evaluate our relationship with sunscreen — a product many Americans only pull out from under the bathroom sink when they go out for a dip mid-summer. But the rules for sunscreen and sunblock have been evolving for years and old wisdom or instincts about application are outdated.

This week, have some tips and trivia about sunblock, how to use it, and what all those random numbers and letters mean anyway. (And if you’re a fan of infographics, take a gander over here.)

Who Needs Sunscreen? Everybody needs sunscreen, regardless of skin tone. Skin cancer develops across the board, and statistically is diagnosed in more advanced stages in those of darker skin tone. #
When Should You Wear Sunscreen? You should wear sunscreen everyday (or at the very least, everyday you will be exposed to sunlight for over 20 minutes). Do not be deceived by the relative visibility of the sun! On a cloudy day, up to 80% of the sun’s UV rays can pass through the clouds. And even the ground can be treacherous: snow and water reflect 80% of the sun’s rays, and sand reflects 25% of the sun’s rays. #
How Much Is Enough? One ounce — a shot glass full — is enough to cover the exposed skin on the average person. When they say that you should “generously coat” all exposed skin, they mean it: most people only use 25 to 50% of the necessary amount of sunblock. And don’t forget your lips, which are just as susceptible to UV damage as the tips of your ears and your shoulders! Most lip balms have a UV rating now, but gravitate to SPF 30 to protect your smackers.
And How To Wear It? If you’re out of doors already, you’re doing it wrong. 15 minutes before you leave the house, apply sunscreen to all exposed skin while it’s still dry. Reapply in the same quantities every two hours or, if you’ve been swimming or sweating, immediately after you’ve toweled off.
But My Sunscreen Says It’s Water-Proof! Well it’s lying to you! “How well the sunscreen stays on the skin after swimming, bathing or perspiring is just as important as the SPF level. The FDA considers a product ‘water-resistant’ if it maintains its SPF level after 40 minutes of water exposure. A product is considered ‘waterproof’ if it maintains its SPF level following 80 minutes of exposure to water. If you participate in outdoor recreational activities including swimming, you may want to choose a waterproof sunscreen.” # If you’re doing the math, neither of those time periods are the full two hours of longevity for dry skin.
These Labels, What Do They Mean? Let’s start at the top: sunscreen and sunblock are two different things. They indicate two different types of protection, defined as chemical and physical. “Chemical sunscreens contain special ingredients that act as filters and reduce ultraviolet radiation penetration to the skin. These sunscreens often are colorless and maintain a thin visible film on the skin. These sunscreens usually contain UVB absorbing chemicals and more recently contain UVA absorbers as well. Physical Sunscreens, most often referred to as sunblocks, are products containing ingredients such a titanium dioxide and zinc oxide which physically block ultraviolet radiation (UVR). Sunblocks provide broad protection against both UVB and UVA light.” #
Okay, What’s The Deal With UVA And UVB? This month should see a roll-out of new labeling standards in the US, introduced and regulated by the FDA, meant to make the selection process a little less confusing in general. All labels will now indicate whether they protect against UVB rays and/or UVA rays. This is important, because the two types of rays do two different things and SPF ratings only ever address the UVB ray protection. UVB rays are the primary reason your skin burns and are stopped by window glass. UVA rays prematurely age your skin, encourage wrinkling and age spots, and can pass through window glass. Both ultraviolet rays can cause skin cancer and all UV radiation — whether it be from the sun, tanning beds, or sun lamps — is classified as a “known carcinogen” or cancer-causing substance by the United States Department of Health & Human Services and the World Health Organization’s International Agency of Research on Cancer. In short, both are bad and there is no “safe” way to tan. Tanning damages your skin and speeds up the aging of your epidermis. #
Do The Numbers Mean Anything? The new labels will also let you know if the product only protects against sunburn, or whether it also lowers the chance of skin cancers. In order to reduce the risk of skin cancer and early skin aging, the sunscreen must offer two things: broad-spectrum protection (protects against UVA and UVB rays) and an SPF of 15 or higher. Without both, the sunscreen only helps prevent sunburn. # The American Academy of Dermatology recommends going no lower than SPF 30, where ”you get the equivalent of 1 minute of UVB rays for each 30 minutes you spend in the sun. So, 1 hour in the sun wearing SPF 30 sunscreen is the same as spending 2 minutes totally unprotected.” # Going higher is better, but beware the folly of assuming that you’re getting twice as much protection: ”SPF 15 sunscreens filter out about 93% of UVB rays, while SPF 30 sunscreens filter out about 97%, SPF 50 sunscreens about 98%, and SPF 100 about 99%. The higher you go, the smaller the difference becomes. No sunscreen protects you completely.” # Something to keep in mind about the numbers, though. The instant you apply the sunscreen to your skin, your natural oils and sweat will begin shaving away at the strength of the product. SPF 15 freshly applied to the skin operates more on a SPF 10-12 level, then quickly deteriorates once you head outside and begin even lightly sweating. SPF 30 is the safest minimum choice of sunscreen for real UV protection, though it is mostly beneficial for preventing burns at that potency.
What Other FDA Regulations Should I Be Aware Of? Sunscreen manufacturers can no longer print “waterproof” or “sweatproof” on their bottles, because this is a fallacy as all sunscreen eventually washes off. Additionally, it’s become popular rumor that sunscreen has a shelf life of one year, which is untrue. FDA regulations demand that all sunscreen on sale in the US have a stable shelf life at original strength of three years. # The effectiveness will diminish after three years, especially if the bottle is left in direct sunlight, exposed to extreme changes in temperature, or left open. If you’re using that ounce of coverage, this shouldn’t ever be a concern.
C’mon. Is It Really That Important? In a word, yes. In two: five years, which is how long it takes for your skin to fully recover from one case of sunburn. # It usually takes about 20 years after exposure for skin cancers to manifest, but tanning beds can actually increase that pace. Tanning beds can give you an endorphin high, so they are considered addictive as well as toxic to your skin. Some people like to use the vitamin D deficiencies in our country as an excuse, but sunscreen has not conclusively been shown to inhibit vitamin D. Additionally, most people get all the vitamin D they need from a reasonable diet or from supplements. Finally, in addition to sunscreen you should seek shade between 10am and 4pm especially (when your shadow is shorter than you are), wear hats with at least a 3 inch brim and as much clothing as you can comfortably stand. (Lighter colors reflect sunlight!)
Okay, But I’m Already Burned, Smartass! First thing, take a cool bath. Don’t scrub or soap up, just soak to lower the temperature of your skin. Gently pat dry but leave a little water behind, and then moisturize to trap that water in your skin. Take some aspirin or ibuprofen to reduce the pain, and if you have some hydrocortisone cream, use it on the burned areas to ease discomfort. Then drink water like a crazy person. The burn draws moisture out of the skin, so you’re probably dehydrated. (Remember, you’re already dehydrated when the sensation of thirstiness occurs) DO NOT treat any of the burns with anything ending in “-caine.” If you have skin blisters, congratulations! you’ve done a whopper on yourself and officially have second-degree burns. Allow the blisters to heal untouched; they form to help your epidermis recover and to prevent infection. If the blisters cover a large area, or you experience chills, a headache, or a fever, you need to see a doctor pronto. Finally, cover any sunburned skin every time you go outdoors. Five years, remember? #

Ten Things: Info’Mercial

Once upon a time, I was hanging out with several friends and happened to be watching a commercial about “feminine products.” (By the way, I love how there are almost as many euphemisms tied up into a woman’s reproductive cycle as there are for sex. It makes a certain degree of sense, but it’s still kind of hilarious to me.) A male friend sitting next to me groaned loudly and exclaimed that he hated commercials for tampons and the like because they made all guys uncomfortable and awkward. The girl seated on the opposite side of him and I let him in on the secret that women hate those commercials too, because they remind us of how much we fucking hate our periods. Also, to get over it. If I have to watch commercials with Jimmy Johnson peddling off-brand Viagra (which requires an active effort to not think about the man’s sex life), you can sit through two minutes of cute girls merrily skipping about trying to sell the idea of a “happy period.”

I’m not trying to enter into a war of the sexes. It’s just that marketing targeted at women is pretty ridiculous. Partly that’s because the people making the commercials know that women make most of the shopping decisions in a household. And partly it’s because of all the bullshit women do to achieve a “normal” state of attractiveness (which is for other women, not generally for men).

Most of the time, it’s all pretty mundane, but occasionally there’s a commercial or ad campaign aimed at ladies that makes me giggle in a perplexed sort of fashion. These week, I want to share a few examples of silliness in advertising, specifically for products aimed at the girl-type people.

The women euphorically dragging metal blades across their skin in razor commercials all have waxed legs and armpits. Nobody’s hurt by this, but it makes one look at the men’s shaving commercials slightly more favorably because sure, the guy’s not actually shaving his face, but he hasn’t had it waxed either. The most misleading thing he’s doing is getting a fake leg up on his five o’clock shadow.
I first saw the commercial for “Bootie Pop” on Comedy Central. I seriously believed I was watching an SNL or MAD TV skit. And nobody could possibly blame me for that assumption; it’s phone-order underwear with padding made to give white girls a bigger ass. The mind. It does boggle.
I once had a debate with a guy friend about Victoria’s Secret commercials versus underwear commercials by Hanes or Fruit of the Loom, etc. He was adamant that the VS commercial gurus had achieved an advertising model that appealed to both sexes…right up until I made him try to watch one and tell me anything at all about the bras themselves apart from a vague sense of color. Victoria’s Secret commercials are only for women in the sense that they may prey on a woman’s desire to feel more confident about their bodies. They do absolutely nothing to impart the virtues of wearing a VS bra over a (significantly cheaper) product from another company. Women buy VS bras for a multitude of legit reasons, but not because of the ads on TV. Those are all for the boys, and therein lies the cunning of the VS marketing model: make men want to buy (expensive) women’s underwear and thereby tap the other half of the market.
People have written a lot about the “fat slob with hot wife” or “older dude with young love interest” phenomenon in TV and movies, but there’s an interesting reversal that happens in commercials. The next time they show a happy family bundling up on the couch or sharing breakfast in the kitchen, take a look at the actors playing mom and dad and you might find that very often mom looks like a responsible, level-headed thirty-something, while dad looks like he just walked off a college campus. (The exception is usually when the commercial is supposed to be comedic; then the mom and dad might tend a bit older than you’d expect to have a set of precocious six year old kids bopping around.)
Dear lady-person who does the Nook commercials. Please stop whisper-speaking at me. It’s creepy and makes me irrationally violent. Please, and thank you.
If the commercial is too fucking weird for words, it’s probably for perfume (or cologne).
Weight Watchers and diet company commercials that use celebrity success stories neglect to mention the fact that celebrities have the ability to attain unrealistic results because, while they’re just pimping the product, they’ve also had a staff of trainers and PAs helping to get them in shape on a schedule. Additionally, the recent trend in these commercials to have the celebrity swapping stories with “normal” people is the height of hilarity, as though the journey to fitness was even remotely similar between the two people. This is why Subway still uses the Jared guy in their commercials; he’s a real selling point because he actually was just a dude that lost weight by exercising and eating their product twice a day.
I will never understand Garnier Fructis commercials. What flower child commune do these young people live on that they frolic all day with their superior hair? (Also, your “before” hair is always gorgeous.) I resent your mirth and smug tomfoolery on basic principle.
Dancing with brooms/mops/what-have-you is just horrendously awful to contemplate, let alone look at. Nothing will ever make cleaning my floors a celebratory act. I blame Gene Kelly.
There is no such thing as a “happy period.” Please stop telling these horrible, horrible lies.